Suffering without Children

God reveals to us that children are a great blessing to a married couple. They are also a great blessing to the world. This there is no doubt.

What of those married couples who are unable to conceive children? What of those married couples who struggle to conceive and in that painful struggle were unable to remain married?

What of those married couples who so desired to have children and in their hour of greatest need did conceive but loss the baby?

What of those married couples who tried earnestly to have children in every ethical and moral way yet were never blessed so?

To suffer through life without children is a daily reminder that God, the Author of Life, denies you this great blessing. There is no poorer soul than the person who understands such a blessing, desires to be blessed, yet remains without child.

This poverty remains when the married person is no longer married due either to death or divorce. This poverty continues to be a source of great suffering. The no-longer-married person continues to see others who are married, widowed, or divorced relate to one another through their common bond of children.

Let me offer my own personal example. I, a widower, attend a grief support group. The table at which I sit has others like me who have lost a spouse unexpectedly. This group of men and women are a beautiful testimony of faith in their sufferings. We support and lift each other up in ways that only we understand. Yet I sit there uniquely alone because I am the only person without children. This has been the story of my married life and continues to be my story as a widower. I suffer in my poverty of not having the blessing of children.

During grief support, not a conversation happens without one of them speaking of the blessing of their children. What I hear is the blessing but I also hear, "Yes, I lost my spouse but at least I have my children."

I do not resent anyone who has children. I am happy for them because I do understand that children are a great blessing. This is why I suffer. I understand and desire, yet remain without.

I also belong to a wonderful, truly wonderful, small faith community at my church. All of them with the exception of myself and one other person have children. And to no surprise, conversations frequently center on or are redirected to the blessing of their children. I am sincerely happy for them and again feel no resentment toward any of them. Yet I sit there again suffering without children.

I work for a publishing company in which the vast majority of our products focus on children, are for families with children, school programs for children, or parish programs for all ages of children. The majority of my job has been to develop products for the benefit of children. This has been a tremendous blessing in my life. Yet this can be and has been painful. Part of me has adapted to the reality of suffering without children just so I can survive, cope, and hopefully joyfully live in the moment.

So many conversations and moments in life rightfully focus on children. My family, whom I love dearly, continues because of children. Framed photos of children are displayed in our homes, rightfully honoring the blessing of children and grandchildren. All three of my brothers are married with children. My nieces and nephews are a tremendous blessing to me and was to my wife when we were together. When we realized that God was not going to bless us with children of our own, we decided to be the best uncle and aunt we could be to our nieces and nephews. Again I love and cherish each one of them as a great blessing in my life. Yet I have not experienced the beautiful messiness of raising and caring for childen. So I have never been called, Daddy.

I have found that if I can apply my Christian faith of embracing poverty then the sting of my suffering is less painful. Yet there is only so much a Christian widower with no children can offer on the Cross of Christ. I feel like that I have literally offered up everything of my life. At some point, if everything meaningful in life is placed on the Cross, what is one left with? Lord, shall I remain crucified? Perhaps that is God's plan for me thus far. I know there is great hope and await for God to bless me. So in my poverty, I wait for my resurrection in prayer.

The Grief of God

If grief is the price of love and God is love, how God must grieve! Is this not the essence of the Cross of Christ?

When you see the blood and water flow forth from the side of Christ, know that the blood comes from every broken heart and the water from all the crying eyes in the world. If we seek unconditional love and eternal life, then we need to say yes Lord to His Love. We need to say, Jesus I trust in You.

The Church teaches us to offer up our sufferings to God and place them on the Cross. This is not a situation of misery loves company. This is the only way our sufferings can be redemptive. We must learn to grieve with God so He who is love can fully embrace us even in our sufferings. That full embrace of God is only possible if we let God embrace us. He can never force his love on us, nor can we fully receive his love unless we say yes to God.

I need to accept all that God has planned for me, even when that includes the sufferings of this earthly life. I need to accept that in this earthly existence life is fragile and love can be lost. This does not mean life is without meaning nor love is without significance. The opposite is true. The meaning of life is known when we sacrifice for love. This sacrifice is not denying nor ignoring one's own needs. The opposite is true. Sacrificing for love is offering the full, sincere gift of self to another whom God has given as one's beloved. Just as Christ has done for me, I am called to do same for another, for my beloved.

Your beloved may be your spouse, your sibling, or your closest of friends. Your beloved is that one person in your life whom you can be your truest self. Your beloved is the one with whom you can be in that most vulnerable space as you offer yourself as a sincere gift, trusting that your beloved accepts all of you.

This is what God has done for us. He offers Himself, fully vulnerable, as the most sincere gift to us. When we sin, we reject God in his vulnerable, sincere gift of self. In sin, we reject God's love. In our sins, God grieves because He is to be our most beloved of all beloveds.

I imagine God grieves in my rejection, neglect, or loss of His love. Knowing the pain of grieving personally, I vow every moment to love God evermore. I know that I will fail at times, but in sickness and in health, I vow still the same to love. I ask for his mercy and forgiveness when I fail to love Him as He deserves.

In my own grieving, I realize evermore the depths of God's love for me. Not because I grieve like God, but because God grieves ever the more than I could possibly imagine. God's love is greater than my best love, His grieving is beyond what I can comprehend. The price of His love is The Cross where Love becomes redemptive and salvfic, where Life has meaning.

In this earthly life, love and grief will always be intimately connected just as life and pain are connected. Yet with God's grace, his plan for love and life is worth the grief and pain. This life in Christ is worth every painful experience, worth every grieving moment. Why? Because unconditional love and eternal life are worth the price, which Christ has already paid.

Grow In Love

Then [Jesus] said to his disciples,

"The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few;

so ask the master of the harvest

to send out laborers for his harvest."

--Matthew 9:37-38

Jesus sent out these Twelve after instructing them thus,

"Do not go into pagan territory or enter a Samaritan town.

Go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.

As you go, make this proclamation: 'The Kingdom of heaven is at hand.'"

--Matthew 10:5-7

Jesus said to his Apostles:

"As you go, make this proclamation:

'The Kingdom of heaven is at hand.'

Cure the sick, raise the dead,

cleanse the lepers, drive out demons.

Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give.

--Matthew 10:7-8

These pasaages come from a few Gospel readings during the Fourteenth Week in Ordinary Time. Reflecting on these passages, I am led to consider Jesus' message for me today. What can I learn from what Christ is teaching his chosen twelve? What is God teaching me?

Seems to me that Christ is demonstrating how to grow in love when proclaiming the Gospel. So I want to apply his way of growing in love to my life. Since I am called to witness for Christ, my life must be a gospel proclamation.

The harvest is abundant, but the laborers are few. Go to the lost sheep.

Cure, raise, cleanse, and drive out.

So what do these have to do with my life as a gospel proclamation? What meaning do these have for a life of growing in love?

Those in need of love are many, abundant. Yet those who labor in love like God are few, only the chosen.

Those chosen who seek to love like God are sent out to love the world. They need to seek to love first those lost like they once were. That is, the chosen are to first love family, friends, and close loved ones. In this way, the chosen are tested, grounded, and strengthen in the way of God's love. You and I, if chosen, are called to something greater than ourselves and beyond our own abilities. 

When you encounter your lost loved ones in need of God's love, be sure to love them by curing them from what prevents them from accepting the ultimate cure of God's love. How do we cure them? You walk with them in truth and in love, inviting them to receive the merciful love of God's grace in the sacraments. You and I are not the cure, God is. You and I are not even the doctors, God is the Divine Physician. We are only messengers of God healing grace.

God calls us to cleanse our lost loved ones of what blocks or covers over love. This most likely means we need to meet them where they are, even if things get messy. We must be willing to enter into their messy lives without judgment by bringing forth the memories of messiness from our own lives. The cleansing is not about pointing out their faults, nor our own, necessarily. This cleansing is about being vulnerable together before God. We are called to demonstrate to them how we were cleansed ourselves so they can see in us the truth, beauty, and goodness of God. We need to empathize with them by sharing our own stories and listening to theirs. We must keep the memory alive of how we were cleansed by the redemption of Jesus Christ.

God also calls us to raise up our lost loved one. How do we raise them up? We never give up on them. We walk with them. We are there when they need us most. We encourage them when they are down. We hold them up when they are weak. We embrace them when they are in pain. We even carry them when they can no longer move. We are to be Christ to them so they know that they are seen, that they belong, and that they are loved even in their weaknesses and sins.

God calls us to stay with our lost loved ones until the light of love drives out the darkness within, driven out enough so they who were once lost, may shine with God's love for others in the darkness. In this way, the light of God's love will take root and bloom.

The darkness that prevents, blocks, ignores, or neglects love is more like the soil in which the seed of God's love is planted. This is a matter of perspective. What seems to prevent or block may in truth be nutrients that strengthen instead. What seems to ignore or neglect may in truth be spacing between waterings. Again, this is a matter of perspective, a perspective that calls for growth. And in order for growth to happen, we need one another, we need to be like a garden where God tends the soil of our souls.

For the lost loved ones the darkness is overwhelming, but God's consuming love in our fallen yet redeemed world is greater. We cannot overcome the darkness alone. We need one another to ground us in the truth and be beacons in the darkness, helping one another to make it thru the storms. Yet though dark storms may overwhelm us in the moment, the rains that come in these storms can cleanse us, if we open up ourselves to God's grace and plan for our lives.

In the storms of our lives, love is often planted. Love needs patience to grow within. Within that darkness, love is germinating, taking root, feeling the warmth of the Holy Spirit. That dark warmth is nurturing the roots before the flower can bloom. This can be painful, and often is. That is what growing pains are.

This is not a process that can be rushed, pushed, or falsely fabricated. This I know too well. Therefore time is necessary for us to grow in love, if we are to flower and bloom as God desires for us. To grow in love takes a lifetime.

Simple, Not Easy

Life is simple.

This doesn't mean life is easy.

Life is difficult,

But the choices are clear.

And timing is key.

Venerable Fulton J. Sheen once said:

"Patience is not an absence of action;

rather it is "timing." It waits on the right time to act, for the right principles, and in the right way."

Patience is a struggle, at least for me, because patience is all about timing. And my timing has not been good, thus I struggle mightily in telling a joke. I am learning that I need to be patient, or more specifically I need to trust in God's timing.

In a relationship, patience with one another requires clear, effective communication to be synchronized or in harmony with your beloved. And this is best achieved when both are trusting in God's plan for them.

This is where the analogy of dancing makes so much sense to me, despite being a terrible dancer. The couple dancing must not only trust each other but also coordinate their efforts according to the rhythm of the music they both hear. The music is God's plan for them. If either or both dancers are not paying attention to the music or struggle to move with the music together, then the couple will be frustrated in their relationship, stumbling along the way.

Consider what Saint Paul writes:

"I, then, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace: . . ."

--Ephesians 4:1-3

Over the last year, I have struggled with my impatient heart because I have been dealing with the impact of grief and its companion anxiety. Slowly the Holy Spirit is purging the impatience and anxiety in my heart, but my impatience demands the newness of God's plan for me to be contained in this old self.

Consider what Jesus tells the disciples of John the Baptist:

"People do not put new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise the skins burst, the wine spills out, and the skins are ruined.

Rather, they pour new wine into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved."

--Matthew 9:17

This process of purging is not without pain or difficulties. The pain is most often self-inflicted and the difficulties often impact my relationships. My old heart must be made anew to receive the fullness of the new love God has planned for me. And recently new wine has been slipping away. This has been devastating to me.

Recently I have been stoking the fire of the Holy Spirit. God did not abandoned me, but accepted my, um "determination" or "stubbornness." He met me where I was at while I continued to stoke the fire. This painful process remains in some degree while the burn consumes every remnant of my old self. This is the reality of our earthly existence.

Many of my selfish impatient ways that stoked the fire were purged from me recently, leaving me utterly exhausted and feeling empty. Despite my stubborn ways, God forged within me a confidence that I could not have made on my own. This newly forged confidence has restored in me the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Only focusing on the Sacred Heart of Jesus and opening myself up to his grace has this patient confidence been restored.

Patience is one of the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23).

Consider this passage:

"See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains. You too must be patient. Make your hearts firm, because the coming of the Lord is at hand.” — James 5:7-8 

Ashes from the fire of the Holy Spirit can fuel the soil of your soul. Yet patience is necessary to tend the garden of your heart. God knows what he is doing for he alone is Creator. Allowing God to properly nourish the soil will yield a great harvest of fruit within your relationships. Believe me, this is not easy.

Like in gardening, turning the soil is necessary to cause the heat required to activate the nutrients that feed the plants. Yet if you overturn the soil too often, if you stoke the fire before it is ready, you will not yield the results you desire nor need. You must learn to let the ground rest, to not rush the process. You cannot force growth. Be ready for the blooms when they arrive for the harvest will yield a great feast.

That is God's plan for life and love. Simple but not easy.

Memento Mori

"Remember death." Memento Mori.

This Stoic motto has found a renewed interest in today's culture. The interest comes from a place less about death and more about seeking a more meaningful life.

The following most likely will come across as ramblings, but that is the best I can offer on the connected topics of life, death, love, and grief.

Personally over the last year, Death and I have faced each other intimately with intensity. My wife of nearly twenty-five years unexpectedly passed away in May of 2022. So Death has hit me hard this past year. Every moment of every day, I remember death and felt the sting of death beyond comprehension, beyond explanation.

I know Death so personally that I want to forget Death. But forgetting Death is not an option. If I was to forget Death, I would not only ignore the reality of this mortal coil of our earthly existence, I would forget the value of life to its fullest. That is, to remember death is to appreciate life and to see every moment of every day as a blessing with purpose.

Memes abound on social media on so many topics, including death and grief. I have found comfort in some of these inspirational sayings but I have come to realize my need for the inspiration of people closest to me in my daily living. I need intimacy in my life and this is only possible by being vulnerable to one whom God brings to me as gift. This is a struggle for me. 

I deeply desire and need intimacy. This is part of the essence of who I am. I know and believe that God calls me to be husband, again. However, the closer I grow in love with another woman, the greater the risk of the pain and suffering that I have already experienced once. The severity of the pain I have in grief is due to greatness of love Brandi and I shared as husband and wife.

Furthermore, I find myself in a rare situation. Most single men at my age are single either because they never married or their marriage ended in divorce. So for most of these single men, the potential first or next wife is not concerned about the other woman because either there was no other one or the other woman is at best the mother of the children. I realize this is an oversimplification or perhaps unfair stereotype. I mean no offense to any single man or single woman. My point is this: the end of my marriage had absolutely nothing to do with my choices nor my behavior.

Though my marriage was far from perfect, we had a really good marriage. In fact, our marriage was getting better than ever a few months before Brandi passed away. Brandi and I loved each other faithfully and unconditionally. We were committed to loving one another for the rest of our lives. That commitment was a daily choice we made to one another in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.

Yet I cannot deny who I am nor God's calling in my life. I cannot imagine what a woman feels, let alone a single woman whose previous marriage ended in divorce who dates a single man who is now a widower. The dynamics is unique and not easy to navigate. There will always be another woman whom the widower loved to his fullest. 

Yet I know for me personally, God has given my heart a capacity to love beyond what I thought ever possible. I am a one woman kind of guy, yet I will never stop loving Brandi. Somehow God expanded my heart to hold this incredible gift of love for two women with faithfulness and fidelity. I just pray that God brings forth a woman whose heart can love the man I am, a man who remembers death because in doing so I hold onto the life and love I had with Brandi.

In this process of grief, I have learned:

1. Life and love are to be cherished. We should always be grateful for every moment we can spend with those who choose to walk with us.

2. Time is limited. Death does come like a thief in the night. So we need to spend our time together intentionally and without fear.

3. Our earthly life is one of perpetual healing. Yes, each moment of each day moves us closer to our last. However, each of us has a choice on the perspective we take. You can fear death knowing the inevitable ends approaches or you can enjoy life knowing that we continually heal from the growing pains of loving life to the fullness. The choice is clear, though never easy. I choose memento mori.

Noble Metals

This was written originally for a series I wrote called, God's Game Plan for Men.

Allow me to speak briefly one more time, about the virtuous living of the husband. Note that the sign of his nobility, a reminder of his commitment, is his wedding ring.

The wedding ring is made of at least one of the noble metals: silver, gold, and platinum. These metals are referred to as noble because they are well known for their ability to resist oxidation. In other words the ring resists rust no matter its exposure. These metals have a sense of permanence in the air because they do not deteriorate according to changing winds.

Likewise his ring is to make well known to all of the permanence of his marriage. The virtuous husband lives according to a life composed of chastity and intimacy. Chastity is about integration for completion. In other words the husband is able to resist lust because of what he is “made of.” And most importantly his noble heart never breaks with rage or anger when weathered by his environment. He is able to give the whole gift of himself to his beloved without reservation, because intimacy is his response. Violence is conquered with valor, and his ring of honor is due to God being Lord in the sanctuary of his home. He is as Christ is to the Church, hers.

Brandi Christine Spurgin

Brandi Christine (Baker) Spurgin, born October 4, 1973 in New London, CT, passed away unexpectedly on May 22, 2022 at Houston Methodist Hospital, The Woodlands, TX.

The Funeral Mass will be held at 1:00 PM on Wednesday, June 15, 2022 at St. Anthony of Padua Catholic Church, 7801 Bay Branch Drive, The Woodlands, TX 77382. There will also be a Memorial Service held at 6:00 PM, Friday, June 17, 2022 at The Fellowship Church, 12314 Rose Road, Willis, TX 77378. For questions, please contact Eickenhorst Funeral Services 936-788-1145.

In lieu of flowers, Brandi's wish was that donations in her name be made to St. Anthony of Padua Catholic Church in The Woodlands, TX, especially to the music ministry, adult faith formation, and St. Anthony’s Bread food pantry. And remember hugs can be medicinal, so hug like Brandi.

Brandi recently earned her Masters of Library and Information Science (Summa Cum Laude) from the University of North Texas, where she also had received her B.A. in anthropology and operatic music. For the past few years, Brandi worked as an IT Business Analyst for Sam Houston State University (SHSU) in Huntsville, TX. Prior to SHSU, she compiled an impressive resume in financial analysis, asset security, and risk management. After nearly twenty years in the corporate world, Brandi fulfilled her dream of genealogy and desire for service.

Brandi had an incredible gift for details and research. She combined that with her love for family and earned her certificate in genealogical research from Boston University and was part of the ProGen Study Group (group 30). In her spare time, Brandi contracted with Ancestry, was an Archive Indexer for FamilySearch, and served on the Board of Directors as Librarian for Montgomery County Genealogical & Historical Society. She volunteered as a Genealogy Speaker for the Stewart Library in Montgomery, TX. Brandi was extremely proud to be in the Daughters of the American Revolution, where she volunteered as Genealogical Research Committee Chair for the Twin Creeks Chapter in Texas.

Brandi served many families through her own research services and blogged at Genealogy Woman. Her love for genealogy was far more than just gathering information. She realized that in telling the stories of the past, we gain a deeper sense of belonging today. She was highly motivated to help others know that they do belong, that we all belong to beautiful though crazy families. And because she knew family is far more than bloodlines, Brandi firmly believed that we are all truly brothers and sisters, belonging to one another. Brandi will always be remembered for bringing us together as family.

Brandi was always involved in her church and in the community. Her volunteerism was vast. After her undergraduate, she was Treasurer for the North American Foundation for Keele University in Staffordshire, UK. Brandi was also involved in Junior League of Collin County, TX, in which she served as Treasurer, Secretary, and other chairs, including Collin County Council on Family Violence. She eventually became a sustainer with Junior League of The Woodlands, TX. Her volunteerism came from a place of loving others wherever they lived.

Brandi loved to travel because she loved people. She traveled for work to countries like Germany and South Korea, and traveled with friends to countries like France, Greece, Mexico, Australia, and New Zealand, and traveled with family to countries like Canada, The Caribbean, England, Ireland, and Italy. Her worldwide travels were a result of seeing everyone belonging together as a global family.

Brandi’s faith was essential throughout her entire life. She had fond memories from her childhood of the people at Bay Area Christian Church in Webster, TX where her faith in Christ blossomed in the Ark. In adulthood, Brandi was fully initiated into the Catholic Church at St. Anthony of Padua Catholic Church, The Woodlands, TX by then Msgr. George A. Sheltz. Brandi remained actively involved at St. Anthony’s, especially through the ACTS retreats, food pantry, marriage prep, and music ministries.

Brandi had a love and excitement for learning, for music, and for travel. She was inspired by Audrey Hepburn and Saint Mother Teresa to see the good in everyone and the beautiful in God’s creation. Music, no matter the style, was for Brandi the natural harmonics echoing from the soul. She sang from her soul always lifting up her voice with the angels and her ancestors so others too could connect with one another and with God.

Brandi is survived by her loving husband, James Daniel Spurgin (m. December 31, 1997), her parents Raymond George and Janet Lynne (Chatel) Baker, her brother Scott Allen (Meagan Tarbutton) Baker, her half-sister Laura Amanda (Morgan Ory) Baker, her godmother Dolly (Bill) Chatel-Dodd, her brothers-in-law John (Jennifer) Spurgin, Kristofer (Andrea) Spurgin, Geoffrey (Sara) Spurgin, her mother-in-law Patricia Spurgin, numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, and her many amazing nephews and nieces who knew her as Auntie BB.

Because family for Brandi was more than blood, she is also survived by friends whom she considered family: Cindy Latimer (Ivo) Damman, friend-like-sister since elementary school, Annette Wimsatt and Dave Dwinell, neighbors who were adopted into the family since Brandi and James’ first house, and her sisters-in-Christ from ACTS at her church.